from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
