Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
