that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
