He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
this hospital has no fireball
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
