Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize