you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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