thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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