Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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