haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
