If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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