if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
