You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
