He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
