Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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