I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
