bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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