somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
