if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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