After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
