this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
