Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize