i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I AM VODKA MAN
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
