This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
