I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize