My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
