i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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