Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
sex in a hospital.. check
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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