my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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