I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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