Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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