He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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