My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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