Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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