I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
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