I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
