Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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