I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
