I wish i was in the wii world.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize