I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
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