You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
