just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
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