can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
