I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
