Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
organizing the empties. That sober.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Randomize
