Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
