Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
