Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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