Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
