Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
