Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
