No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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