im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
