new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
