I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Shame - the story of my life.
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